Sunday, April 24, 2011

The case of the exotic princess and the golden goddess

Driving home today from my weekend up north, I started listening to a CD of Hank the Cowdog a family favorite for short or long road trips.  As I listened to the adventures of Hank and his sidekick Drover as they battled the laundry ghost - Eddie the Rac (raccoon) mind wandered and I imagined how Hank the Cowdog, Wheezer, Bella, and Drover would get along.  It went something like this:

The Case of The Princess and The Golden Goddess

It’s me again, Hank the Cowdog.  It all started out as usual, going over reports under the gas tanks next to the machine shed.  Drover and I were hard at work or hardly working in Drover’s case when a strange red car pulled up the driveway.  Now I was hard at work crunching numbers and going through all the minute details of the last case, definitely not sleeping (because as Head of Ranch Security sleep doesn’t seem to fit into my grueling days), when I heard Drover’s whiny little voice pipe up. 

            Hank – Hey Hank.  I think we have company – someone’s coming up the driveway. 
Rumplesnippets clinker butter biscuit – Drover, shut your trap. I’m in the middle of something. 
            Yeah but I’m pretty sure an unidentified car just parked in front of Sally Mae’s house.
            I’m sure you’re imagining it – go back to sleep. 
            Well. . .I’m think I’ll go check it out. Looks like there’s a dog in the car.
            Fine, do whatever you wanta snickerle zzzzzzzz……..

Okay, I might have fallen asleep again but after hours of work it’s my pirogue, perigee, prerogative to enjoy a few winks of sleep when I can.   So there I was – hard at work again on those reports when I heard a strange sound almost a high pitched howl or yapping – as if someone was in trouble.  The voice started out faint then seemed to grow and carry on the wind…my ears began twitching as I strained to make out the words. 

“Hey, hey, hey!!”  I did not clear these grounds. Don’t even think about going in that building you don’t know what dangers may be lurking inside.  This lady might be a spy. She might torture you. How dare you leave me here and walk away from my protection. Get back here.  Hey! I’m talking to you! You, don’t close that door, get back here….come get me NOW! Look strangers, you need me to protect you. Get back here!!!......” 

The sounds suddenly stopped.  I picked my head up and looked in the general direction they had been coming from and. . .WHAT is this! An unidentified car sitting in front of Sally Mae’s house! Why didn’t anyone notify me of this?  This could be trouble.  

I hefted my body up off the ground and headed over to perform the routine check of all new vehicles when I saw Drover sitting and staring dumbly into the back window of the car.  Naturally I ignored him as I completed the preliminary sniff and mark procedure around the premises of the vehicle.   Four tires – check.  Iowa license places – unusual for this part of the country but maybe Sally Mae has family or friends visiting from out of state.  I’ll have to speak with her later on forgetting to clear this with Head of Ranch Security.  Cursory checks indicated that the red car was NOT, I repeat NOT an immediate threat to the ranch so I sauntered around the front of the car to discuss with Drover why he failed to inform me of the now cleared red car.
            Drover.  He continued staring blankly into the back of the car.
            Hey Drover.  I gently tapped him on the shoulder. 
            Drover – wake up there pal!  I waved a hand in front of his face.  No response. 

It was then I followed his gaze into the back seat of the car and Holy Smokes.  There she was.  Just about the most beautiful Golden Retriever I had ever seen.  The sun was casting a glowing yellow halo around her perfectly formed head and – well – there she was just gazing adoringly down into my eyes. 
Well, this was a lady.  I turned to Drover and shoved him over.  

Hey, what’d you do that for Hank?  I was getting ready to talk to my new love.  Did you see her? Isn’t she something!  I think she likes me.  She was looking at me.  I’m gonna go talk to her now.
I grabbed him before he went and made a fool of himself and was just getting ready to teach him some sense when I heard it again, the voice from my dreams. 

Hey, you mangy mutts get away from this car.  We’re carrying prize possessions and you are not cleared to come in contact with our cargo.  I’m going to have to demand that you stay at least 5 feet away from this vehicle at all times. 

            "Drover," I looked around for the source of the voice, "Do you hear that?"
            Yeah I did Hank.  Where was it coming from? 

The voice spoke again.
            Doesn’t matter where it comes from – you just do as I say and no one will get hurt. 

The voice seemed to be coming from behind the Golden Goddess sitting in the back seat and then the halo moved.  It jumped down from the back window sill and moved to the driver’s seat.  Hopping up to stare at us from the driver’s side window was the most gorgeous Pomeranian I had ever seen – Holy Smokes this was my lucky day! Two beautiful ladies had miraculous planted themselves onto my ranch!  Then the voice spoke again but, what? It was the Pomeranian princess and she was telling ME Head of Ranch Security what to do. 
You – yes you the dumb one – You are still within the 5 foot perimeter I have already established.  Please move immediately or I will be forced to take action. 

"Now listen here Ms…I’m sorry but I’m afraid I didn’t catch your name.  I happen to be Hank the Cowdog: Head of Ranch Security.  I know you didn’t realize who you were speaking with but now that we’re established things maybe we could discuss things more important such as: would you two care to partake of the miraculous healing waters of the emerald lagoon with my associate and I?"

The Pomeranian princess tilted her nose a little bit more into the air and glared down her perfectly formed nose at me.
Mr. Hank.  I am sure you do not realize who YOU are speaking with .  I am Wheezer Joseph: Head of the Secret Service and a nationally acclaimed and accredited Private Body Guard.  You have until I count to 10 to do as I requested or suffer the consequences. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5… 

"Now hold on there…”...6 she continued counting...”….Miss Weasel….”...7 ignorant infidel 8...."….did you say your name was? That’s a strange name for someone of your supposed standing…”9….10… you asked for it.” 

The princess was now crouched and preparing for full launch attack mode when the Golden Goddess spoke from the backseat.
Mr. Hank.  You are most mistaken.  My body guard’s name is Wheezer – it is French.  She is named after a famous actress well known for her whit and bravery in the face of adversities.  You would be wise to listen to her.

“Oh my word Hank.”  Drover’s whimper started again. “She spoke.  How’d she know your name?”   
“Stop your sniveling Drover, we have a serious situation on our hands.”  I backed out of the perimeter of the car.  The princess stopped her crouch and turned to glare at the house.  It was then I noticed her body armor.  It was grey and was covering her whole torso.
"Excuse me Miss Golden Goddess of my dreams – you said that Miss Wheezer was your body    guard?" 
The goddess was again staring at me – no through me to – Drover? What is this world coming to?  I asked her again and she refused to answer my questions.  Then the princess was back scowling in my direction.
            Don’t cross that line – Don’t even think about it.
Miss Wheezer.  I am behind the line but I must remind you, you are on my ranch and I am only following your instructions per request of your friend – what was her name again?
You cowdogs are all the same – dumb ignorant and smelly – her name is Bella. That’s Italian by the way ignoramus.  She is a highly trained and very valuable service dog.  She works with children who have autism and provides essential care for them when they become distressed or overly excited due to their autism impairment. 
"Well Ms. Bella,"  I turned my attention to the goddess, "might I extend to you my greetings and offer you an invitation to take a stroll with me along the emerald pond?"
Grrr – that princess body guard spoke again. 
            My client will have to decline.
Can’t she speak for herself?  I asked in my most polite voice. This little bit was starting to annoy me.
No, she is trained to not speak with lowlife such as yourself.  I’m sorry but I am going to have to conclude this conversation now – I have much more pressing security matters to attend to. Good day.
With that the little weasel stepped on the window button and rolled up rear windows and returned to her perch behind the golden goddess’s head.  

I looked over to Drover.  He continued to stare adoringly into the back of the car. Then I heard the house door slam.  I ran around the front of the car to see who had come out of the house when Wheezer started again.
Hey, you get back here.  These grounds are unsafe. I demand that you immediately return to the vehicle and we vacate the premises.  Listen to me…..
I tuned her out as I rotated my ears to hear the conversation Sally Mae and this stranger were having.   “Thank you so much for letting my use your phone.” The lady said, “ My cell phone/GPS died and I was horribly lost.  I really appreciate your kindness and thank you so much for the directions.” 

            Sally Mae was all smiles “No problem Honey – you have a good trip down south with your family and if you ever happen to come to our neck of the words again you just feel free to stop in.  I think what you’re doing training that dog for those children is wonderful and my look how beautiful your little dog there is.  She’s precious.  Wish you could stick around here longer and teach these mutts a few lessons.  Sally Mae looked at me and a scowled “Then again they’re dumber than a box of rocks so it probably wouldn’t help them at all. You have a safe trip now missy. “ 

Sally Mae and the young lady opened the yard gate and came out. Sally Mae stood by the gate and they talked for a few more minutes.  I watched cautiously as Sally Mae had her broom in her hand…I’d learned from previous mishaps to stay away from the broom.  Wait a minute, there was Drover with that silly grin on his face getting petted and sweet talked from the lady. 

“Hey buddy, aren’t you cute.  Are you a good boy?”  His stub started to wag. “You are a good boy. I bet you have some smarts in you.”  She scratched him under the chin and he rolled over on the ground. 
Well this was just unacceptable.  I ran over to stop this foolishness when WHAP the broom came out of no where and got me. 

“Hank – you get out of here.  You stink to high heaven. Get. Go lay down.  Go on. Get out of here. So sorry about that Jenica. Hank has a problem staying out of the septic tank.”  Sally Mae walked this Jenica person over to her car, gave her a hug, she got in the car, and away they went… two exotic beauties the princess and the goddess gone forever.  

I slunk back to the gas tanks and lowered my aching body down on my gunny sack.  Drover came sauntering up babbling about how his heart was broken and his leg hurt….I tuned him out and slowly sassafrass grubble punch yuzzzzzzzzzzzz……………………

The End
The Exotic Princess
  The Golden Goddess

The Exotic Princess and The Golden Goddess


Angie Joseph said...

Absolutely delightful! Love the halo part - totally nailed the image of it.

Mybellyache said...

Bwah ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!! LOL.........

Karen said...

Very cute, love Miss Wheezer, the Princess.